You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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