my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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