I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
