I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
