she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
