Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
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I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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