She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
