I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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