So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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