he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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