Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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