Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
