At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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