please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
