does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
