it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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