Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You're like the curious george of whores
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I can't put those talents on a resume
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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