Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
