The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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