I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
