im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize