If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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