have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
