for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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