just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
