I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
