We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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