The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
