Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
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Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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