we have pet lesbian snakes
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
