He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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