dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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