If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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