I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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