I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
