i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Swine flu is the new snow day.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
