At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
