are you still at the devil's house?
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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