first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
