i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
