i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
