So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
