I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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