**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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