I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
