there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
