we have pet lesbian snakes
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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