im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The feeling are messing with the penis
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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