I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
