well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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