So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Randomize
