The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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