my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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