I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
