Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
