def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
