I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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