i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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