Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
