i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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